What is Internal Family Systems Therapy (and Why Does It Rock)? 

 

Generally, people come to therapy seeking change. Maybe they want to change a feeling (for example, resentment), or a behavior (heavy drinking), or a thought (“I don’t belong”). Oftentimes, when people try to change, they focus on “getting rid” of a part of themselves they dislike. For example, every time the thought “I don’t belong” pops up, their inner drill sergeant may shout, “Don't think that!” There might then be self-criticism for continuing to have certain thoughts even though one “knows better," anxiety over feeling anxious, fear that “something is wrong with me," or bodily shutdown. Banishing unwanted parts of ourselves may work for short periods of time, but these exiled parts inevitably boomerang back with vengeance. Our desperate, misguided attempts to force change leads to mental and physical exhaustion.

 

With IFS - Internal Family Systems - instead of turning away from an unwanted part, we turn towards it. With compassionate curiosity, we listen closely to its story to understand and appreciate how it came into being and the hard work it does in an effort to protect you.

 

For years, when I envisioned showing compassion to the uglier aspects of myself, I was filled with a visceral panic and disgust. I strongly believed, I can’t give compassion to the parts of me that I hate because if I do, these parts will take over and ruin my life! I was so afraid of the bad things that would happen to me if I showed myself love that I ended up being ruled by fear and self-loathing. The situation I found myself in is common. Chances are, if you’re seeking therapy, you’ve experienced a similar inner battle. Only necessity and desperation forced me, begrudgingly, to try out this whole “self-compassion” thing.

 

And I promise you this: if you show the ugly parts of yourself love, these parts will NOT take over. We are more than the sum of our parts. In IFS, every human being holds Self—an innate quality of compassion, clarity, courage, and curiosity. However, over time, our Self-energy can get obscured by parts in burdened roles. Too often, we over-identify with these roles and falsely believe that there is nothing more to us.

 

Let me give an example. Imagine a kid who was very imaginative. (Great!) His parents fight. To protect the kid from hearing the fights, his imaginative part begins working overtime—and as the kid grows into a teenager, he finds himself spacing out in school and failing classes. Here, a part (the imaginative part) took on a burdened role (dissociation or “spacing out”) in its valiant effort to protect its person from harm. Now, one can imagine the teen sunk in self-loathing or seeking a solution or diagnosis that attempts to obliterate his spacing out part. But if the teen focuses on ridding himself of this part of him, he may end up losing his playful imagination—a core, beautiful part of his personhood which now carries shame. IFS offers another way. Through IFS, he would listen closely to his “spacing out part” and come to understand how its intention is to protect him from pain. From a place of curious compassion and with the guidance of the IFS therapist, the teen could then “update” the part and let it know that he is no longer a scared little boy, and the part needn’t work so hard to provide escapism. At this point, the boy may find the part naturally softens: his playful imagination comes back without its harmful, dissociative features.

 

The goal of IFS therapy is to reconnect people to their Self-energy, and to strengthen the relationship between Self and one’s various parts. In developing the relationship between Self and part, change occurs. That’s because our inner parts are not so different from us: they crave a voice; they crave understanding. Once our parts feel listened to, they naturally soften and do not feel the need to take on such extreme roles to make themselves heard.

 

What Happens in an IFS Session?

 

At the beginning of our work together, IFS sessions might not seem much different from traditional talk therapy. But as I listen to your story, I will be oriented towards noticing various “parts” that show up and I’ll share my observations with you. We may use mapping, IFS cards, and art to explore your parts. Depending on the person, this work of externalizing parts may take one session or months.

 

Once we have a fuller understanding of your inner world, and I sense enough Self-energy from you, I will ask you to “turn your awareness inside.” Some people close their eyes as they do so, others don’t. I’ll ask you to simply be with the part and to listen. The part will reveal itself in your mind’s eye in whatever way it wants. Sometimes, an image will spring to mind, or a memory, physical sensation, word, thought, or smell. Slowly and with care, I’ll ask you to share whatever your part is telling you. Eventually, parts may reveal painful, formative experiences. When they do, I’ll lead you in a corrective experience called unburdening where you ask the part what it needs to feel safe and, using your boundless compassion and imagination, provide this comfort.

 

IFS creates an immediate feeling of spaciousness. Without IFS, our inner world can often feel overly crowded with different parts jockeying for control. Just one session of IFS can leave a person feeling an immense sense of calm. We leave with the felt sense that we are more than our worst qualities and we are more than our prettiest days. With Self-energy, there is room to embrace our multiplicity.